Yesterday I picked up my wedding dress. Today I’ll meet with a florist to discuss ways to make my day beautiful.
The reality of my wedding’s arrival date of April 28, 2012, is becoming obvious! But so is another reality.
When I left the store with my wedding dress in hand, I sat down in my car, and almost pulled out my cell phone to tell the news. Almost.
Almost . . . because the one person I couldn’t wait to tell was my precious Grandma Street. I could just hear her expression, too. “Grandma, I just picked up my wedding dress!” “Did you?” she would say with her common voice inflection and drawn out syllables–a reply I’d often get if I’d done something new, fun, refreshing, or adventurous. I could always hear an incredulous smile in the way she said it.
The reality of my grandma’s absence is honestly still setting in. That she’s gone hasn’t completely sunk in yet. Grandpa’s absence, too, is overwhelmingly disheartening at times, but with Alzheimer’s stealing his mind so much before his October 13 death, the circumstances make the loss a little easier. After all, he’d not been “Grandpa” for months long before he passed.
But Grandma? Grandma died just 40 days after him on November 23. We weren’t ready for her passing. In fact, I’d just spoken to her via phone on November 20, the day before her massive stroke left her unresponsive and on a ventilator. She wasn’t supposed to be gone so soon. She was the “rock,” Grandpa’s caretaker for 20 years, a feat that wasn’t easy after he succumbed to a 23-feet fall onto concrete in 1991. For those 20 years she cared for him day-after-day when the health issues mounted.
In my opinion, Grandma seemed to have another 20 years of life!
Now, neither grandparent will watch me walk down the aisle in four months toward my groom. Grandpa died before Adam asked me to be his wife, but Grandma knew I was getting married. That’s one reason she would’ve loved to hear about me picking up my dress–because we talked about wedding details in those eight days between my engagement and her stroke. And she seemed to love those conversations.
The emotions and grief feel as if they will overtake me sometimes, with the smallest memory of either grandparent drawing tears to my eyes. I’ve been drawn lately to the book of Lamentations in the Old Testament, where the prophet Jeremiah laments the destruction of Jerusalem. For 3 ½ chapters, Jeremiah’s grief is evident in despairing detail. (“Jerusalem has sinned greatly and so has become unclean,” 1:8; “my eyes fail from weeping, I am in torment within,” 2:11; “I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is” 3:17).
I felt depressed just reading his words. And the words have resonated within my spirit like I never expected.
Yet.
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord” (Lamentations 3:22-26, NIV).
In the grief, pain, and agony, Jeremiah experienced the hope and faithfulness of God’s presence and mercies. His heart probably still felt heavy and unsure about Jerusalem’s future.
Yet he believed God.
Yet he decided to wait for Him.
Yet he chose to see God’s goodness by hoping in Him.
I am called to do the same. Even when missing my grandparents seems unbearable or when I forget that, as believers in Jesus, they are in heaven and I will see them again someday. Even when I want to call my grandma on my way home from work to talk about my day or when I wish she’d call with a weather report like she so often did.
Even when I put that wedding dress on on April 28 and wish both could see me in it. Or when I discover I’m pregnant with my first child. Or when I forget what the smell of their house is like or miss the simple ways both grandparents made me laugh.
Yet I will hope in Him. Grandma and Grandpa would want me to live not just in the “yet” but past it.
Never have I known such a courageous “yet.”
Very well written article. I have preached many funerals, in those where the person may not have had a relationship with Christ, there is not much to hope for. When Christians pass there is a lot of hope. You have done well to show hope. I know your wedding will be fantastic. To show honor to Grandma, why not carry something of hers close to your heart. Walk down the isle and think how proud she would have been.
I have been married 47 years. I soon learned two little words that I think have made a difference. “Yes Dear”. LOL
May God bless you and keep you as you take “Timeout With Christ”.
TerryO